People Pleasing
I work a lot with people pleasers.
More and more, I hear from clients, especially women, who say they constantly consider everyone else before themselves. Many are mothers who feel they must put their children first, always. And they’re not wrong. Raising children does require thinking about how your actions impact them. It is your job.
But somewhere along the way, people pleasing has become confused with self-sacrifice.
Over and over, whether five years or 25 years into family life, I hear the same echo from women:
“I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
“I don’t know what makes me happy.”
“I don’t have a life outside my kids.”
“My partner feels like a stranger.”
I will die on the hill that nearly all women are socialized to be people pleasers. Generations of women have been conditioned to sacrifice their individual identity for the sake of marriage, motherhood, and family. And it’s rarely questioned because this sacrifice is seen as noble, expected, and even necessary. One of the most feared labels my women clients can receive is selfish. They have a fear of becoming assertive means they are becoming narcissistic assholes. Trust me, that’s not the goal and if you’re a people pleaser it won’t happen!
So what do we do instead? We give and give until there’s nothing left of us. We learn to tether our self-worth to how well we meet everyone else’s needs. And if we fall short even by our own impossible standards the anxiety always creeps in.
That’s exactly how I see people pleasing: as a flavor of anxiety. But it’s a specific type one deeply tied to self-worth and identity. It’s rooted in rigid internal rules and expectations:
"Be a good mom."
"Be a supportive partner."
"Keep the peace."
"Don’t let anyone down."
Living inside these rules feels safe until it doesn’t. Until you can’t keep up. Until anxiety and resentment take over. Until your sense of self disappears and it’s been 5 years and you don’t know who you are anymore.
The fear of disappointing others is the people pleaser’s kryptonite.
Treating this type of anxiety is complex—because it goes beyond coping skills. It requires deep self-exploration. You have to examine the core beliefs you’ve internalized about what it means to be a woman, a mother, a partner, a person (for my male clients it’s what it means to be a man, father, partner, success.) Then you begin the work of gently challenging the ones that no longer serve you.
It also takes tools:
– De-escalation skills to help manage the anxiety when it shows up.
– Assertiveness skills to help you ask for what you want and know you deserve it.
– And perhaps most importantly, the slow, steady rebuilding of a belief that you are worthy even if someone else is disappointed, even if you don’t meet every expectation, even if you choose you.
If any of this resonates with you, and you're ready to start untangling the patterns that are keeping you stuck, I invite you to reach out. Click “Contact Me” to set up your free consultation.
