Back to Routine Overload: Why the Mental Load Lands on You
It’s the first day of Fall and we are fully back in the swing of things being a month back into the school year. Moms everywhere are leaving the hard transition of back to school and getting really into the routine of things with their kids, after school activities, work, homework, house chores, etc. Having counseled many women during this time of year, I feel it is an important moment to reflect on just how much a woman’s role in a family takes on. Especially before the chaos of the holidays begins.
You’ve probably heard on social media or maybe others in your life mentioned it; the mental load. Women typically carry the mental load of the family. I like to call it being the project manager of the family. Others call it being the default parent. The mental load is the invisible work that helps run the family. UCLA Health describes it as the ongoing cognitive and emotional labor of planning, remembering, and organizing day to day life, parenting, and household duties. It is a massive, 24/7 load to carry and it is the women who carry it. And while I can provide countless (and I mean countless) examples of what this looks like and how men are not doing their fair share in the home, this blog isn’t to carry on the lament of how unfair it is. Social media has that covered.
I want to dive in on how do we start to fix it.
One of the first things I recommend to women and men who start therapy with me is to have both parents read the book Fair Play by Eva Rodsky. Rodsky takes deep look into the division of labor between women and men in heteronormative relationships especially with young children and explores how unequal it is due to the mental load. Not only does it help explain the mental load to people who may not understand it, the book also provide practical solutions to help create a better system for the family. One of the great topics the book and we in therapy talk about is taking full ownership of a chore which is actually divided into 3 steps: conception, planning, and executing of the chore. Men are great at executing the chores. Women give them the list and many will knock it out of the park. However, why it’s so frustrating for many women even when men do the listed chores is that the women had to complete 2/3rds of that chore while men are only still completing 1/3rd. Think of a grocery run. Many women think of the meals they are going to make (conception) and create the grocery list (planning) while men go to the grocery store to buy what’s on the list (execution). The chore list is not equal.
One of the other major things we look at to help solve this unequitable division of labor in the home is individual core values and what they want their values to be as a family. Most people don’t sit down and contemplate what they want their lives to be about so doing basic values work helps provide clarity individually and as a family. We then use their values to help create an equitable division of labor for the family that makes sense for them. What each family finds equitable depends on what they want their lives to look like and what they want to prioritize as family. In past blogs, I go more in depth about the importance of values and that does not change even when we are discussing the mental load and house chores.
After we’ve learned more about the mental load, practical tips on how to divide chores, and combine our individual and family values to help determine what we want this to look life for our family; it may now be time to start the difficult conversations with our partner. Some of my clients struggle with difficult conversations in general and the mental load/unequal division of labor can be a sticky topic for many relationships. Through therapy not only do we learn coping skills on how to handle the uncomfortableness of crucial conversation that allow us to state our opinions and feelings, we also work on the importance of being heard and understood in all of our relationships. Feeling like our partners truly understand what we are going through with the mental load is part of being in an equitable, healthy, and loving relationship. If we can’t get our partner to understand us, then maybe we have deeper issues that need to be resolved either in ourselves or within the relationship. The mental load and how it is seen in your relationships is a valuable indicator of the healthiness of your relationship. If it needs some work, I’m happy to help you figure it out!
